closure

today, ive finally found the closure i have been wanting.

8 months ago, i met this guy– tall, handsome, moreno, nice physique, plus he cracks really good jokes. he was fun to be with, fun to talk with and very very very nice to stare at. after the first time we met, i was looking forward to a hundred more dinner dates with him. i would smile everytime i remember his first goodbye kiss on my cheek. he works in a call center and i used to work in a fast food resto, needless to say, our schedules just won’t meet. but i liked him too much i would skip work just to see him. somebody could have hit me for being foolish. but that’s exactly what i did. because i was dying to see him. as often as i could. 

one day while we were on a dvd marathon at his place, he asked if i was happy to be with him. i smiled at him and said of course. then we kissed, over and over. it felt like we were a couple but the thing was, he never said he loves me. and i wasnt too stupid to be the one to say it. i was just waiting for a question, i’m sooo ready with all my answers. i was so ready to be his girlfriend, but he never asked me that. 

for three months we had been exclusively dating, we went out, we kissed, we held hands in public places, we talked during the wee hours of the night, early in the morning, we missed each other but never, ever talked about love. it was very very frustrating. and i was hurting everytime i remember how perfect we looked together, but we just can’t be officially a couple. 

until one day, he stopped talking to me,he stopped asking how i was, he stopped asking me out, stopped missing me, stopped wanting to see me i guess. my heart was broken into pieces but i could not do anything about it. i tried to wait, i tried to ask, i tried to figure out but i failed. until god gave me the reason why he was gone. i met someone who cared for me, who tells me he loves me every single time, who never asks if i am happy but does all things to make me smile.

it could be reason enough to understand, but of course i want to know the true reason why he left. today, i knew about it. my friend had talked to the guy yesterday and asked why he dropped me just like that. he said, he had a girlfriend before he met me but she left for uk. after a few months she went home because of kidney failure. he didnt have the guts to explain to me that’s why he just pulled away and left me hanging. what a coward! 

i wanna feel betrayed but i know i cant, i couldn’t feel any worse if i were the girlfriend. though, i think its better now that no boxes have been left unopened. it will be a lot easier to move on without unanswered questions inside your head.

i have forgiven him at last.  

last love

it’s not so busy @ work so i found some time to browse through my old emails - where i found old letters.

suddenly, i have come to realize that it doesnt really matter whether you are someone’s first or tenth love, what’s important is that you two make it work to last a lifetime. im not proud to say that i have fallen in and out of love five times before i met the guy i am going to marry. the memories were, mind you, too awful to imagine. but just today, i have realized that i shouldn’t at all regret falling in love with these ‘wrong’ people, because maybe it was god’s way of handpicking the right person to love me. or to make me realize why it never worked out with someone else. and because of that, i am thankful.

i could have been granted with a fiancee visa for canada, or australia and just pretend that i was in love with someone who could buy me anything i want. i could have just stayed in the long relationship that i had eventhough it has become sickening, i could have just let my parents fix a chinese marriage, i could have just stopped myself from falling in love after the last time i got hurt,  but as you know, true love rules,all the time, and it always finds its way.

i feel that i have found mine. i couldn’t  thank god enough for that.

i dont believe this

im getting married in 12 days.

i feel my baby’s little movements inside my tummy.

i’ll know whether it’s a boy or a girl next week!